HAPPY SPRING...

HAPPY SPRING!  I have ALWAYS loved the first day of Spring!  It is a day of HOPE and usually ushers in the warmer weather which we have hoped for all winter.  This has been quite a warm weather year so we were THANKFUL yesterday for new snow to help our water year here in Utah!  At Sundance we shoveled 37 inches yesterday at the cabin!  Not me of course - but I went along for the RIDE! The LOVELY thing about Spring Storms is that the snow melts ALMOST as fast as it falls and we have the additional water!

34 years ago TODAY - on the first day of SPRING - I gave birth to my second child and first daughter - Kamie!  If you know my boys - and know their sizes - you will understand my fear of having a daughter.  I was afraid any daughters I bore would end up looking like  Defensive Linemen!  NOT SO!  My two daughters are STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL and in no way, shape or form resemble their football-playing brothers - other than their AMAZING BLUE EYES!

My daughter Kamie is like a BREATH OF FRESH AIR!  She says what she thinks  and is NEVER afraid of what others may think.  I love this about her!  She is a beautiful, confident WOMAN!  Her BLUE EYES are STRIKING!   Once while in the operating room she ran into a Medical Salesman - A Family Friend -  who was there to peddle his medical wares!  Before she spoke, and even with her hat and mask on,  he IMMEDIATELY picked her out as a JACKSON - simply because of those beautiful brilliant BLUE EYES!  

We raised four VERY independent children and Kamie may indeed be the most Independent!  She is a STRONG WOMAN - much stronger than I - and has excelled in EVERYTHING she has ever done.  She played high school volleyball - her almost 6 ft height aided in that endeavor.  After four shoulder surgeries she moved on to other aspirations.  When Kamie wanted to go live on the beach in San Diego, we bought her an older Volkswagon Van - Kerm fixed a bed in the back and I fashioned the GORGEOUS curtains that would give her privacy.  We have tried to support our children in their WHIMS and aspirations!  Kamie earned her DiveMaster and worked on a Dive Boat for a summer.  She then returned to the University of Utah where she earned a Bachelor's Degree in Nursing - graduating in Kamie Style - with HONORS! 

Kamie is a GREAT nurse!   After her husband Mike earned his PhD at the University of Utah they moved to Boston for 18 months.  Kamie had no problem finding a nursing job and honestly, once people meet her they feel like she has been a friend forever!  In August they moved to Dayton, Ohio where they bought a house and consider this PERMANENT - which makes me a little sad becaue it feels far away!  I am THANKFUL for iPhones and Texting!  Kamie took her time to seek a nursing job - was hired at her first interview and within a month was promoted to MANAGER of the Operating Room!   Yes - this is my Beautiful Daughter Kamie!  I love her to PIECES and I am Eternally Grateful for her!  Happy Happy Birthday Beautiful Lady!  I LOVE YOU!  NOW - with that being said - we are HOPING and WAITING patiently for GRANDCHILDREN!!  I am wondering if you could follow your sister Kelsi and get with the PROGRAM?   Can you imagine how beautiful Kamie's babies will be?   I CANNOT WAIT!!  Kamie is going to try to get here in April when I have surgery at the Huntsman Cancer Center.  She worked with Dr. Sklow who will be my surgeon!  To have her here will help to alleviate my fears!

This is our front yard on the First Day of Spring - with the Tulips poking up through the snow!   By Saturday it is supposed to be 70 degrees! 

We are still awaiting the birth of CHARLOTTE - Kelsi's baby who is due the 24th!  Kelsi's husband John is a Vice President at ADOBE.  ADOBE has SUMMIT every year which happens to be this week!  This is the BUSIEST week of the YEAR for John  so Kelsi is hoping CHARLOTTE will not come early!  I am secretly hoping she WILL!  I CANNOT WAIT!!

It has taken me this long to feel stronger.  I improve a little each day.  I STILL have radiation burns - but they are healing - for which I am THANKFUL.  I COUNT MY BLESSINGS every day and I am so HAPPY to be on this side of treatment - it was BRUTAL!  As I look back now after I have finished - the days blurred into one another.  I have NO IDEA how I walked into that radiation treatment every day!  I am THANKFUL for Kerm holding my hand each and every day - gently guiding me along although I would have liked to BOLT!  In the beginning I could have run away!  By the end of six weeks I could barely walk!

On April 5th I see the surgeon and will schedule surgery!  I want to get it over with so I can move towards being CANCER FREE - which I know will happen.  I am THANKFUL for the friends who have supported me and have encouraged me each and every day.  I am THANKFUL for my HUSBAND, CHILDREN and GRANDCHILDREN who have supported me and ENCOURAGED me!  THANK YOU for your prayers!  PLEASE continue to pray for me and my family.  Please pray for my friends Marjorie and Sue who are battling this DREADFUL DISEASE! 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:  "My Son - PEACE be unto thy SOUL;  Thine Adversity and Thine Afflictions shall be but a SMALL Moment; And then, if Thou ENDURE IT WELL, GOD shall Exalt Thee on High    D&C 121: 7-8 

Love and Hugs to ALL!

OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING!!!

Oh what a BEAUTIFUL Morning in UTAH County!  The birds are singing and it is such a JOY to behold!  Each morning when I awaken - AND I have done this during my entire treatment time (except ONE day) - I LOVE to sit on the floor in my computer room, pull open the blinds and apply my makeup by natural light!  This is the site from my window today!  Beautiful Mt. Timpanogos - with all the BEAUTY and GRANDEUR she offers each and every day!  I LOVE IT!!  As I looked out to the left at the door on my front porch leading in the garage, there were two TINY birds making a nest in the wreath on the door.  Surely a sign that SPRING is almost here!  I was able to attend Church today for the first hour and it was such a JOY to be there and to be uplifted!  What a GREAT feeling and one I have truly missed!  My body is WEAK but my mind is HAPPY and GOOD and STRONG!

Thursday morning, the first day post six weeks of NASTY treatment, I awakened, applied my makeup and got dressed thinking I was back to NORMAL!  HAHAHAHAHA!  The joke was on me.  All that effort put me back on the bed for a half hour!  At least I was dressed and made up!  The first thing I do every morning after putting in my contacts is put on my LIPSTICK!   I LOVE my lipstick!  I feel that if nothing else, lipstick makes a girl look just a little better - at least THIS girl!  I do it every single day - makeup or not!  I actually have a YEARS SUPPLY of my lipstick!  I use two shades - first the darker followed by the lighter shade, apply a little powder and you are GOOD to go!  I love my LIPSTICK.  Friday evening my niece Mary Lynn, the oldest of my sister's 15 children arrived at the door with two of her daughters.  Abby and AnnaLee.  One of the first things Abby said was - "OH - you have lipstick on".  Ha Ha!  If she ONLY knew!  They came with a big loaf of homemade bread!  Mary Lynn is one of my many HEROES and I appreciate her for that.  She has always treated everyone around her with a Christ-like LOVE - NOT judging - simply LOVING and that is one of her many GREAT qualities!  THANK YOU Mary Lynn!

Yesterday when I awoke it was as if I had REAWAKENED!  I FELT my NAUGHTINESS/SPUNK return!  That in and of itself means I am getting BETTER!  I am not really naughty but I AM SPUNKY and it feels so good!  This truly helps me through this JOURNEY!

Last night Kerm and I visited with my friend MARJORIE!  Marjorie is in her LAST DAYS on this Earth!  It is hard to express the true LOVE that I feel for this beautiful woman!  She taught and CONTINUES to teach me - even laying there on the sofa - knowing full well that her days are numbered.  What an AMAZING LADY!  Marjorie will soon graduate from the Earth Life with HONOR!  She has served and CONTINUES to serve.  She has promised me that she will be there to greet me when my time here has expired.  Life is an interesting JOURNEY.  We are BORN to DIE!  I am truly THANKFUL for the knowledge that I have - that FAMILIES CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER after we leave this Earth Life.  Please pray for my TWO friends - Marjorie and Sue - They are DEAR ladies who are experiencing terrible trials.  I love them dearly!

 As I laid on the radiation table for six weeks in a thick concrete-walled room - five days a week - all by myself - it was SCARY to me.   After prepping you for the radiation, they ALL leave because they don't want what you are about to GET - and the door shuts!  I am claustrophobic - BUBBA is with me - but he cannot be in this room!  I want to TESTIFY to all of you - regardless of what your beliefs are -  that GOD is REAL!  That HE is there!  It is during this time that I have fully experienced the outpouring of HIS LOVE for ME!  The communication that flowed freely - HE was ALL I had!  HE was the ONLY person I had to communicate with - to HELP me through this!   I KNOW this!  I TESTIFY that HE is there!  I am THANKFUL that HIS SON - even JESUS CHRIST is my REEDEMER!  HE died - so that ALL of us can once again LIVE and be reunited with that GOD who made us!  I KNOW this with ALL my HEART, MIND and SOUL!   The BEAUTY of this EARTH is such an example of the LOVE that GOD has for all of US!   Please continue to pray for me and my FAMILY!  I am HAPPY - I am GRATEFUL and I WILL return to being BETTER than I was before! 

I now excitedly await the birth of CHARLOTTE MELLOR - John and Kelsi's first daughter!  What a JOY it will be to see that beautiful daughter they are longing to hold!  I continue to fight for SIMONE - LUKAS and STELLA - the GRANDCHILDREN I LOVE and ADORE with ALL MY HEART!  These babies are my part of MY EVERYTHING!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:   EVERY person in this WORLD - is a DREAM of GOD!  The REAL MEASURE of a man's WEALTH - is what he has invested in ETERNITY! 

 I believe this with ALL my HEART!  LOVE AND HUGS TO ALL!

I AM FINISHED.... WITH THIS PART..

I FINISHED my RADIATION and CHEMOTHERAPY treatments today - EARLIER than expected!  I cannot begin to tell you how incredibly GRATEFUL and THANKFUL I am!  Monday I completed day 25 out of 28 treatments.  Tuesday was an x-ray day in Radiation but I still had the chemo pump on - so that was day 26.  Today I was supposed to start the BOOST radiation for three days - Today, Thursday and Friday.  Friday was to be my last day.  I see the radiation doctor every Wednesday - AFTER treatment.  I asked to see him FIRST today because of the burns.  They are bad!!  It is hard to SIT!  I have been able to LAY on my bed and that is about it because I am just too exhausted to do anything more!  The Doctor reviewed my chart and noted that I had had the dosage of radiation required - they OVER TREAT just to make sure - but after looking at my burns- he proclaimed me FINISHED!  They are full thickness burns and will heal - but the effects I am feeling are from the radiation LAST WEEK - it takes about ten days after finishing radiation to experience the full effect of radiation as the effects continue to build for that long!  SOoooooo - The doctor said I had had ENOUGH!   I still had my pump on - today was day 27.  We left radiation and drove home.  I called the Oncology office on the way home to make sure I could get my pump removed tomorrow - day 28 and not have to wait until Friday as originally scheduled.  I was told I could come right back and get the pump off so we drove back to get it removed!!  I have had ENOUGH chemo also!   So I DID IT!  I did not WANT to do it but I finished this part of my journey.  I am EXHAUSTED.  I have been taking the nausea pills which make me sleepy and to be frankly honest - I have slept away a lot of the last week - which has been just fine with me.  It has been miserable.  By completing the radiation they were able to give me Silvadene which is for burns.  The Catch 22 here is - while being treated with radiation - Silvadene cannot be used.  Perhaps it is in my head - but I honestly do not feel as bad tonight as I did earlier today. 

 I am THANKFUL I had the intuition to ask to see the doctor BEFORE treatment - rather than after.  I honestly did not know how I could continue with the boost for three days getting burned more.  Tonight I am without my chemo pump and I do NOT have to go back for more treatment - NOW.  I will schedule an appointment tomorrow with my surgeon who is at the Huntsman Cancer Center in SLC for three weeks from now.  The tumor continues to shrink for an additional 6-8 weeks after treatment has continued.  Surgery will be scheduled for 6-7 weeks from now.  I will have time to get stronger and recuperate and be ready to face the next part of my journey.

I want to THANK all my family and friends who have prayed for me.  People I do not even know who have prayed for me!  It is very HUMBLING!  Please continue.  I am not finished with my journey - just this part of it.  As far as I am concerned, this has GOT to be the worst!  I cannot imagine anything worse!   I have been BLESSED with many notes, messages, flowers, food, blankets, etc.  THANK YOU.  My heart is so FULL and I am truly GRATEFUL! 

Tonight I will sleep well!  I will take the time I need to heal and recover and then WATCH OUT!  I cannot wait to be NORMAL again - actually I was NEVER really normal - but I cannot wait to get back to the life and things that add to my HAPPINESS!  I will NEVER be the same - I am a changed WOMAN!  But all in a good way!!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:  "HAPPINESS IS NOT THE ABSENCE OF CONFLICT - BUT THE ABILITY TO DEAL WITH IT".  I am THANKFUL to be FINISHED with this part of my JOURNEY!  YAY HOORAY!!  Love and Hugs to EVERYONE!!

READY TO COUNT DOWN.....

This has been a week from HELL - AND - if you are offended by that - I DO NOT CARE!! I cannot think of any word to describe the week better! It was found that I had a massive yeast infection. I have been completely miserable along with the STUPID radiation burns. I am so THANKFUL for my sister Jill who got some medication called in for me. I talked to both physicians who are treating me and both suggested I go to my PRIMARY CARE - for care of that - SHE doesn't even know what is going on with me!!!! I am under their care and I hoped they would help me. So JILL had a prescription called in for me Monday - two pills - one Monday and one Tuesday. Side effects from this drug? Headaches and nausea were two of them - both of which happened. I have had a little nausea the whole time - enough to take at least one nausea pill a day. I have had to up that dosage to three a day. I awoke Tuesday morning with a MASSIVE headache! The same Wednesday and ever since then. Thursday morning I awakened with a massive headache and tried to get up. The room was spinning and I felt very sick. Kerm helped me get to the bathroom and I was so sick and weak I just laid down on the floor in there. He got me my BLANKIE and my pillow. I stayed there for at least an hour before I could even move. So yes - that was just yesterday. I got ready to leave for radiation and was home within the hour - back to bed. Just in case you want to know - YES I have broken my bed thing! I am getting INSIDE the bed cause I am sick. I leave my window wide open and it is nice and COLD and I love my warm covers! I have slept a lot of this week away. The nausea pills make me sleepy and I am just thankful to have made it.

Last week the Relief Society Ladies came by with a lap quilt that had been made for me. It is very cozy and pretty and I love the warmth it provides for me. I am very appreciative to all those who helped with that quilt. I feel a little guilty - simply because that's the stuff I do - it is very humbling to receive and I realize that is one of the lessons I have to learn from this experience! It is a tough one!

Last Friday evening there came a knock at my door and there was my oldest sister, Carol Ann and her husband Lee Bahr along with Kallie their daughter, bringing dinner for ME! I was very thankful for not only the dinner - but also for the visit. She just decided to fix and bring it and I am THANKFUL for that. I need to tell you a little about her. She is the oldest of nine siblings. I am right in the middle - four older and four younger. Two of my younger siblings - Cynthia and Kurt were tragically killed in car accidents. I miss them so. Back to Carol Ann. She is the mother of FIFTEEN children - yes - FIFTEEN children she herself gave birth to. Ten boys - Five girls. She is an amazing story! She and her husband Lee returned in July from being Mission Presidents in the Morristown New Jersey Mission for the LDS Church. It was a three year assignment given them that they fulfilled. Lee is a retired physician and they call Bountiful their home.

When I was growing up I always had a fear of something happening to one of my brothers or sisters. I remember praying daily for their safety. I loved them all so much and remember saying that if something had to happen to one of them - let it happen to me because I could not imagine life without them. Of course life is not perfect. We all grew up and all have definitely had their differences but I still love each one of them. I remember when Cynthia, and then Kurt died. I was dumbfounded that it wasn't me. Now I know it was not my time to go - as it is NOT now. I still pray for my remaining brothers and sisters and wish for nothing more than their happiness. I am THANKFUL that I have had the opportunity to have them a part of my family.

Today is day 24 out of the 28 treatments. I figure I would be finished Thursday March 8th. UGH!!! That is NOT TRUE!!!!!! I will have normal treatment Monday - getting my chemo pump put on. Tuesday rather than receiving radiation, it will be an X-RAY DAY! So NO treatment. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, based upon the X-RAYS taken, the radiation will be directed closer to the actual spot - same dosage, just more directed. That means I have to go to FRIDAY the 9th!!! I cannot get the pump off until I am finished with radiation SO - they got an extra day out of me! Trust me - I have been COUNTING DOWN!! I originally figured I would make a chain- much like those my little children made at Christmas Time years ago! I quickly REALIZED there was NOTHING exciting at the finish line! Just more of the journey so I discarded that lame idea! I am counting down NOW. I technically have only FOUR treatments left. It has been rough - the treatments have taken a toll on my body. I have been asked if I have lost hair. NOT EVEN. I have maybe seen TWO hairs in the drain - in fact, my hair has grown FASTER as have my eyelashes. Go Figure! I do NOT have an explanation for that!

My Spirits are WOUNDED! I am still OKAY but this has NOT been a walk through the PARK! I ONLY WISH FOR THAT!! I am THANKFUL today for the BLESSING of the weekend. I am THANKFUL for treats brought to me. I loved the fresh eggs Jon and Linda brought - scrambled eggs have tasted really good. I love the cinnamon rolls from Meg! Bread from Ranae! Bread from Ann! All sorts of stuff.   I received TULIPS ready to bloom from Cheryl and family!  THANK YOU! Thank you for thinking of me. It gets harder and harder each day to think of something good to eat. Usually after eating it the thoughts of eating it make me sick to my stomach! Yesterday all I had were some French Fries from McDonalds. That is absolutely all I could think of! I had some banana bread and only wished for more cause it was just a little piece! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - the best thing ANYONE can do is PRAY for me - I FEEL IT - I know it has helped. Monday evening I told Jill I would just as soon die as live like this. Well I am THANKFUL Today that I feel a little better. I am NOT a baby! I am TOUGH and this has been ROUGH! A toll has definitely been taken on my BODY!!!!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "HARDSHIP IS OFTEN GOD STRENGTHENING US" Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face TRIALS of many kinds, because YOU know that the testing of YOUR FAITH develops perseverance. PERSEVERANCE must finish it's work so that YOU may be mature and complete, not lacking ANYTHING! I HOPE I end up NOT LACKING ANYTHING!

Please pray for me and put my name in the Temples. I know my name is in Temples around the WORLD. It makes me weep to think of that! I am so GRATEFUL and I am truly COUNTING MY BLESSINGS! Love and Hugs to EVERYONE!